Head of Janitorial Staff Fred E. Fazbear announced yesterday that Drew will officially be retiring the popular Ranger Bear mascot in favor of a Disk Style Model 1712 Carlton Woodchipper.
“Our shareholders were concerned about the potential copyright infringement that the Ranger Bear elicits,” Fazbear said. “I mean, it really does look like the Cocaine Bear and a Muppet had a weird baby. Besides, we just don’t believe that the Ranger Bear truly encapsulates the spirit of Drew quite like a Disk Style Model 1712 Carlton Woodchipper does.”
Many Drew student groups voiced their anger with the decision by holding public protests all over campus. The Drew University Music Society performed a moving concert in front of a live audience of actual bears, which went about as well as you would expect. Drew’s Sexuality and Gender Alliance also brought bears to campus. The Fund held a dramatic retelling of the literary classic “The Berenstain Bears Visit The Dentist.” Even Drew’s Student Government got in on the action, building an effigy of Smokey The Bear out of popsicle sticks and then lighting it on fire.
“Don’t know why we did that,” said one member of Stu Gov. “It feels kind of like cannibalism, in a way. Like if you fed a rooster KFC. Or if you fed Papa John a Hot Pocket.”
Other campus groups were more favorable towards the change. Students for Woodchippers sent out a special edition of their newspaper Woodchipper Weekly, filled with praise for President Fazbear’s decision and the recurring phrase “ALL HAIL CARLTON.” Drew’s Pro-Deforestation group celebrated with an extended showing of “The History of Chainsaws” in The Commons. Even the surrounding town of Madison joined the festivities by demolishing the Burger King and replacing it with a four-foot pile of woodchips.
“Imagine the feel of it as you cradle it in your arms,” said Fazbear. “The cold steel. The sharp blades. The fluorescent yellow. And who doesn’t love the guttural sound it makes when it chews up bark? It’s like 40 heavenly weed whackers right inside your head!” It should be reminded that all future reporters should wear a raincoat when asking Fazbear about woodchippers, as she gets incredibly sweaty while talking about them.
A ceremonial destroying of the old Ranger Bear suit will take place this Wednesday in whatever the gym is called. A simple sendoff, the old suit will be thrown, fittingly, into a Disk Style Model 1712 Carlton Woodchipper. Its remains will then be donated to the Madison Soup Kitchen for Bears.
“We’ll be SURE that nobody is in the suit before it gets thrown in,” said Fazbear. “We all know what happened last year when we changed the mascot to a deli slicer.”
If you have any opinions about Disk Style Model 1712 Carlton Woodchippers, tell them to someone who cares. Not us.
Sir Chin Fordiqhs does not trust wood chippers.
