Almost a dozen students crowded around outside the Ehinger Center late last Sunday, eagerly anticipating the Drew University philosophy department’s delivery of this year’s “Greatest Philosopher Award.”
The department holds their “Philosophy Games” annually, citing a desire to honor those who think big thoughts while having even bigger egos. Their most coveted award, the “Greatest Philosopher” title, is given only to those whose ideas and perceptions are so incomprehensible that they must be a genius. Who gets this achievement is decided through a poll, given to only the most austere theorists of our generation (all three of them).
This year, the privilege of introducing the award was given to Drew philosophy professor Desmond “Dez” Carte. When asked about how he felt being offered this position, Carte stood silent in quiet reflection as he pondered over the query for about two hours. “I don’t know” was his eventual response.
Carte gave a powerful five-hour speech before announcing the winner. Notable moments included a discussion on Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics, an excerpt from Taro Gomi’s “Everybody Poops” and Carte snoring during his mid-speech nap. Finally, the time came to name the recipient of the prestigious award. This year’s winner came as no shock: Fergie was honored as this century’s greatest philosopher.
Fergie has made numerous contributions to the world of philosophy. Her first foray into the field was her 2006 paper “How Come Every Time You Come Around, My London, London Bridge Wanna Go Down Like?” This monumental hit piece critically analyzed the links between famous architecture and female genitalia like no one had done before and no one has done since. In the wake of such an article, many architectural memorials were built in her honor, including the Drew University Concert Hall and that weird bean thing in Chicago.
But Fergie was not done rocking the philosophical sphere. Just a few short months later, she collaborated with famed philosopher Will.I.Think.Therefore.I.Am, publishing the groundbreaking piece “Whatcha’ Gon Do With All That Junk, All That Junk Inside Your Trunk?” Directly challenging the reader, the essay tackles the emotional and spiritual baggage we all inherently have in our “trunks” and offers insight into whether that “junk” can be manifested into something greater. It has since gone on to win a Pulitzer Prize, a Nobel Prize in Literature and, somehow, an Emmy.
Fergie’s prestige does not end with just asking questions; she’s perfectly capable of answering them as well. Many will remember the vexing “White Boy Swagger” phase of 2013, a pandemic that had many in the older generations asking, “What the hell is going on?” As chaos and unrest began to take hold of the populace, Fergie—then working as a mentor to Noam Chomsky—offered a bold and simple response. “Fergalicious,” she told the world. “Definition: make them boys go loco.” The WHO would later go on to say that this act “was the greatest act of human kindness in history.”
Fergie was not in attendance for the Philosophy Games, but that did not stop the excitement and merriment. “I’m so happy with this year’s attendance,” said Carte. “Last year, we only had 5.5 kids show up, so we’ve effectively doubled that number!” Carte declined to answer which half of the student showed up last year.
Please join the philosophy department next Sunday for their lecture on “What the hell was Georg Hegel talking about?” and their attempts at bringing a horse to water AND making it drink.
Joe Mama is a kind and nice person 🙂
