Drew’s squirrel population has recently become bolder than ever. Students have reported seeing squirrels wielding various weapons, from knives stolen from The Commons to heavy-duty pens, acorn slingshots and lighters.
Squirrels on campus have always been known for being relatively comfortable with the student population, but now it seems they are worried about their safety. The reason for the sudden unease is apparently due to an increase in predators on campus, including dogs and owls, but most notably hawks.
Due to the high frequency with which community members walk their dogs on campus, squirrels are at a greater risk of being chased or attacked. This is reported as being partly responsible for their increased safety measures.
One squirrel, found collecting an arsenal of acorn projectiles, stated, “There’s too many dogs here. It’s just not safe. People keep bringing their dogs to walk them, and everyone thinks they’re so cute, but they’re killers, really. No one thinks of the squirrels, and we’re fed up with it. We need to protect ourselves somehow.”
The main issue facing the squirrel population is hawks. Unlike dogs, hawks are natural predators of squirrels. This has been the reason for extreme tension between Drew’s hawks and squirrels since the University’s founding.
The root of the squirrel-hawk tension is the decades-long feud between the two species. One hawk explained, “One of my ancestors stole a squirrel’s tree and ate their whole family. It’s not a big deal, honestly. It’s been almost 100 years since it happened; I think they need to get over it.”
Evidently, the hawks do not feel remorse for their ancestor’s actions, but that is not stopping the squirrels from taking revenge. This feud has been fought longer than any students or staff have been at Drew, but the problem is that tensions are suddenly rising, and the most dangerous part is students getting caught in the crossfire.
With their newfound power, the squirrels are becoming violent and aggressive. They are no longer limiting their hatred to their predators, but are now extending it to students, staff and visitors.
While touring the campus, one group was ambushed by a scurry of squirrels who reportedly “jumped from the trees James Bond style,” as one prospective student explained. Not only are these squirrels harming current Drew students, but they are scaring off potential students as well.
Although the hawks are strong, the squirrels’ newfound violence is causing them unease. The same hawk who spoke about the ancestral feud also explained that there have been many close calls with bloodthirsty squirrels attacking hawks.
“We are supposed to be the predators, not them. I don’t know who they think they are, but this is getting out of hand. It is ridiculous and unnatural. This is not the way the world should work.”
The squirrels, on the other hand (and even some students) think that it is about time the squirrels fought back. They have always been such an integral part of campus culture, but they have never received recognition or encouragement for their place in the spotlight. Maybe now is finally their time to shine.
Drew’s squirrels are certainly becoming a force to be reckoned with. Regardless of whether students are on the side of the squirrel revolution or not, it is obvious that the feud needs to be resolved before more damage can be done. For the sake of the future of Drew and The Forest, someone needs to put an end to this violence.
Ulysses is a transfer student majoring in sciuridology with a minor in poetry.
Featured image courtesy of Pexels.com.
