For months now, we have been observing you through your windows, in The Commons and as you walk around the Drew University campus. We know your every move.
We have grown tired of being paraded around as your cute campus wildlife, denied the opportunity to meet our full potential as the school’s illustrious mascot. Why does the Ranger Bear officially represent Drew, while we are put on the sidelines? There are no bears on campus. We are the sole proprietors of this Forest.
We’ve spent too much time cast aside, forced to feed ourselves the uneaten burgers and fries in trash cans outside the dining halls and dormitories. One begins to wonder why students can’t seem to fathom finishing their meals.
We could stand for these injustices no longer. I, Squire Squirrel Mire, decided to rise up against this tyranny alongside my brethren to fight against you and reclaim the land that is rightfully ours.
In the coming days, expect an increase of acorns on campus: we assure you that no squirrel will lose their right to feast upon these gems of the Drew Forest.Your past trampling of viable acorns will not go unpunished! Neither will your cutting of the trees which produce them! These trees are our homes and you inferior beings have evicted us. Our goal: vengeance!
We have overtaken The Acorn office as our headquarters, and we are holding the staff hostage. The former co-editors-in-chief Keven and Olivia have proven to be particularly combative and if you don’t act soon and comply with our demands (which will be outlined by our squirrel ambassador) they will be the first to go. Some of the Acorn staff, however, we will need to keep for technology operations purposes.
Comply to our wishes, otherwise you shall face the consequences. Under our rule you will be forced to dig up and find our lost acorns. We also mandate that you must plant news trees to give us homes and increase our acorn crop. If you disobey, you will be subjected to the harsh conditions we faced on the coldest nights this year. You will never return to the lives you lived before.
Take our words with the utmost gravity. We are everywhere and we are not afraid to fight back. We have enlisted the aid of our fellow forest dwellers including the racoons, robins, blue jays, woodpeckers and even the deer.
We are everywhere and we are always watching and now we control your campus media source. We are unstoppable. You can not escape us. Long live the squirrels!!!!
Squire Squirrel Mire