Hello, and greetings my fellow human and squirrel readers! As one of the few humans who has had the rare privilege to pet a squirrel, the Squirrel Council has selected me as Drew’s human-squirrel ambassador.
I want to start off by saying I am extremely grateful for this opportunity, and I hope to serve as a fruitful messenger between the humans and the rightful owner of Drew’s Forest, our mighty squirrel leader, Squire Squirrel Mire. I assure you, I am qualified for this position. I have been studying ancient squirrel speak for the past three weeks and appreciate the coveted language. The squirrel community and I have had the chance to learn about and experience the amazing squirrel culture that thrives on our beautiful campus.
Because of these experiences, I have been entrusted with the task of sharing the first few messages from our squirrel leaders with those that read The Acorn. We have decided that this is the perfect way to share our messages seeing as only the smartest and most well-rounded Drew Students take time out of their busy schedules to read such a prestigious publication, and therefore we are looking forward to sharing our goals and aspirations with these readers.
The squirrels’ first request is to install bird feeders around campus. These bird feeders will be repurposed into squirrel feeders. It is only fair that squirrels have multiple, easy access points for food when we humans have three. We also believe that this will better support the squirrels’ active lifestyles and allow for more standardized meal times. It’s a hard demand to argue with and it will promote equality between all constituents.
The second request is to create programming surrounding the squirrel lifestyle. One suggestion is a 24/7 live stream. The livestream would allow squirrels who are interested in developing their online presence to become stars on Drew TV. It is well known that the squirrels are the heart and soul of Drew’s environment, campus and morale. It is for this reason that around-the-clock access to footage of these beautiful creatures should be available to humans at all times. Discussions about where to set up this live stream will be happening shortly.
The third request is that the short blonde girl who has been chasing my squirrel constituents halts her pursuit. Although we do want to foster the connection between humans and squirrels, we want to ensure that we are doing so in a safe way. Squirrels are typically peaceful creatures but if threatened may respond violently. It is important to note that squirrels are the superior species and demand your utmost respect. Please refrain from attempting to make contact with them when they are busy working, relaxing or exercising. Boundaries are important. So blonde girl, please stop. You know who you are. Squirrels will no longer hesitate to bite. Squirrels are not to be feared, but respected.
I look forward to being the bridge between these two worlds so humans can better understand those who they share a community with. There are more demands to come as I continue my work. But one final reminder is that Drew’s mascot should be a squirrel. It makes sense. You know it makes sense.
