Opinions by Sky Yuris: Let Them Eat NUTS

by Sky Yuris

3 mins read

Picture this. You walk into your kitchen looking for a snack. You head to the fridge door to scout out the leftovers and, just as you grab the handle, the floor falls out from under you. This is the plight that we squirrels in America must face each day as we search for our food. 

Ever since humans started feeding birds, there have been disproportionate efforts to exclude the squirrels. Why, I must ask, have squirrels been labeled as undesirable? If you compare the elegant squirrel to the ungainly bird, there is one animal that is objectively better. Squirrels are fuzzy and have cute babies. Birds insist on singing opera at 4 a.m. and have babies that look like someone’s spleen. 

The experience of a squirrel-proof bird feeder is not one I would wish on my worst enemy. Once I saw my father climb onto one such torture device, only to be unceremoniously catapulted into a thorn bush. He spent weeks recovering from the stab wounds. He was just looking for something to feed his wife and five hungry children.

The squirrels are angry. Image courtesy of Sky Yuris.

Not only are squirrels being denied their right to a full meal, they are being humiliated at the same time. Humans love having video evidence of their war crimes on the squirrel race. Every corner of the internet––Facebook, Youtube, Twitter and more––has countless video of innocent squirrels being catapulted into the stratosphere. Imagine seeing your friends and family tossed across a backyard like trash into a can. I don’t have to imagine it- I see it every day.

Squirrels are being robbed of their dignity daily, but all you humans care about is entertainment. Some people have even begun building devices designed to lure in poor, unsuspecting squirrels with the promise of tasty treats, only to launch them into the air before they can snag even a morsel. These devices aren’t even pretending to be for “the birds’ protection.” They are made to reduce the once noble squirrel to laughing stock.

Humanity has made a terrible mistake by slighting squirrels in this manner. We, the squirrels will have our revenge. You humans should stop squirrel-proofing your bird feeders before something terrible happens. We squirrels can’t condone that kind of behavior.

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