by Jake Levine
Count this one as a win for prey. After eons of being eaten, devoured and gorged on, shrimp finally bit back, as hero crustacean Shia the Shrimp lodged a small piece of his shell into the throat of local man, Brad David, causing massive irritation on the human’s behalf, and causing him to grumble, “Who didn’t peel the fucking shell off?” Shia’s great deed has been labelled as “profoundly shocking” and “reminiscent of Baymax’s heroic sacrifice at the end of Big Hero 6.” At the moment, we can only speculate about the events at the Acorn, but multiple sources have confirmed that Shia seized the opportunity spontaneously, and, being divinely inspired, wrote himself in the annals of shrimp history.
Within the shrimp community, this has been seen as a landmark achievement, with a parade already being planned in his honor, a statue in front of city hall in the works and a movie already in pre-production. A proclamation from embattled Shrimptown mayor, Shay the Shrimp (who faces allegations of finanshell corruption), hailed Shia’s achievement as “one for the ages.” The beaming mayor, during a rally in support of the hero, articulated what Shia means to the community. “We’re very proud of Shia, who might I add is a hometown boy, born and bred,” the mayor announced to a roaring crowd. “Shia the Shrimp is everything that Shrimptown is about and we could not be prouder of his legendary achievement.”
Shia’s whereabouts are a mystery, with numerous conspiracy theories popping up in response to his absence. Shane the Shrimp, a popular Shrimp-right blogger, believes that Shia has been kidnapped by the deep-state and is now being used as a means of deflecting continuous bombshells against Shay the Shrimp. Another popular theory, argues that Shia never existed at all, and is instead a parable for virtue and stoicism in the face of a world where everyone wants to fucking eat juicy and delicious shrimp.
If Shia the Shrimp was non-existent, tell that to Brad David, who is still reeling from last night’s incident. Though he may seem entirely normal, going about his day as if nothing happened, one can see the effects of such an ordeal in his eyes. When asked about the whereabouts of his famed nemesis, Mr. David responded candidly and confirmed the validity of the details of the famed incident. However, it is with great regret that we at The Acorn confirm that Shia the Shrimp’s little decapod body was digested last night, and promptly shat out this morning. His sacrifice will not be forgotten, and he will always be remembered as a shrimportant figure whose shellfless actions stood in the face of certain death and had a huge shrimpact on his community.
