In an effort to make students feel safer on campus, Fake Public Safety has announced that it will begin equipping its officers with light-up sketchers at night. The dimly lit paths that snake their way through campus will soon be lit up by the swag-infused LED lights of the sickest shoes on the market, as officers will now wear the shoes during nightly patrols and rounds. Say goodbye to feelings of unease and anxiety while walking the disquieting atmosphere of Drew at night. You’re gonna feel safe as fuck seeing those bad boys periodically bring light up in the darkest of night.
Opinion has been overwhelmingly positive to this recent announcement, with students all over campus hailing the new initiative as “good for the community,” “cool, I guess,” and “why, just why?” One student, Nason Derulo (C’∞), however, is not pleased with the development. “I honestly think it’s bullshit,” he stated with a harsh sense of displeasure. “I’ve spent 4 years being the Skechers guy on campus and now Fake P-Safety just thinks they can come along and steal my look?!? Everyone knows the ladies flock to the man in light-up Skechers, and now, my whole aesthetic is fucked.” Despite such sentiments, the overall Drew community supports the effort.
In fact, Fake Public Safety is just as excited about the initiative as we are. Fake Public Safety’s Chief gave us an exclusive inside look at the process of revamping the unit’s shoe game. “We took all of our officers to the mall, and had them get their feet measured and everything. Made a whole day out of it. I’ve seen a lot of things during my time here, but never have I seen such enthusiasm on my officers’ faces as I have now. They are ready to protect and serve the Drew community in style.” The choice for Skechers was a no brainer for the department. As stated by one anonymous Fake Public Safety Officer, “What other brand would you want? Vans?…nope. Jordans?….trash. Gucci?…get outta my face with that shit.”
Plans to implement the shoes are slated for next month, but one of our sources has relayed to us that the rollout could be sooner than expected. So the next time you see a Fake Public Safety car roll up (look out for the new Fake Public Safety PT Cruiser squad cars), pay close attention to the shoe game stepping out of the whip. Evil beware, campus just got safer. In brightest day, in blackest night. In times of trouble, look for the Skechers’ light.
😂👌👏💀🎉💋🤷🤮is a 🤟🏽major with a 👽minor.
Image curtesy of Sketchers.com