An administrative leak has finally uncovered the real cause of all of those budget cuts and cost rises that students are up in arms about, and it is not actually what many in the community think.
A recent accidental click by President Hilary Link resulted in a top-secret email being mistakenly sent to Acron staff, with the subject line “[FOR YOUR EYES ONLY] Beware the Ides of March!” Upon opening the correspondence, it was revealed to members that the real cause of Drew’s continuing budget deficit was not taxes, nor funding, nor even the infamous New Jerseyan economy—it was actually, of all things, leprechauns.
The email goes on to elaborate that to improve its financial circumstances, Drew had stored a special reserve of funding deep in the abandoned S.W. Bowne Hall basement. However, what administrators overlooked was that during the month of March, that basement is also home to a rogue group of leprechauns. This leprechaun group has quietly been raiding away most of the University’s budget, and by the time they were discovered, many had already escaped to the other end of their rainbows.
Luckily for Drew, however, administrators are currently working on a voyage to the other side themselves—armed with Ranger Bear merchandise and Drew t-shirts as bartering tools, they plan to surreptitiously sneak back with the stolen budget, using the leprechauns’ own rainbows against them.
The Acron is not sure when this plot by the Drew administration will be put into action, but it has been dubbed “Operation Green Goblins” and Drew’s campus is awash with rumours of its timing. President Link declined to comment on the matter when approached by community members, issuing only a cryptic warning to students to avoid the Pub on Easter Sunday—which this year falls on April 20.
Only time will tell whether Operation Green Goblins proves to be a success, but for the sake of Drew’s clubs, students and collective pockets, it is vital that it does. The Acron wishes University administrators the best of luck on their brave voyage to return the community’s funding, and asks whether it might be possible to bring back a leprechaun to keep as the paper’s new mascot.
Squirrel with Scissors is a sophomore majoring in touring terrorism and minoring in acorn eating.
