MADISON, N.J. —
In a recent (literally) earth-shattering revelation to the Drew community, it has been discovered that the recent spate of power and Wi-Fi issues on campus have not merely been mundane electricity faults—in fact, resources are actually being sucked away by a top-secret project to transform the arts building into a launchpad for a guided cruise missile.
According to anonymous sources within Campus Security, the elaborate project, which has been underway since the start of this past fall, is really a carefully orchestrated cover-up. The seemingly normal, glitchy Wi-Fi problems are actually a façade designed to cleverly conceal a new state-of-the-art nuclear launch system.
“It’s a brash thing to do, but it makes sense,” commented recently arrived freshman student Elun Mosk. “I mean, who would suspect that the Rotunda would be harbouring a secret Irani—I mean American missile technology? Plus, it’ll come in handy when I need to attack all my kids on X.”
Word has been spreading that the missile, nicknamed the “Hell of Sciences,” is intended as a protection against potential threats to the campus, such as reckless cars on the Path and overly enthusiastic tour groups. Others contend that it might be a way to blackmail wealthier universities into lending Drew some of their funding. Some students, however, have expressed worries about the potential consequences of such a measure.
“This could bring unwanted attention from foreign powers like those pesky socialists down at Fairleigh Dickinson,” remarked super-senior Hete Pegseth. “Plus, it might startle me and make me accidentally add my Russian boyfriend into the Saudi airstrikes groupchat again! Don’t put that last part in when you quote my greatness, pretty please.”
Catching sight of a nearby professor holding a European History class outside on the Mead Lawn, Pegseth then sprinted off before he could finish his statement, yelling “Greenland needs me!”
According to a leaked diagram, the system includes a powerful propulsion engine and a high-tech guided warhead. As the construction project continues, students and staff alike are left to mull the implications of Madison’s newfound military capabilities.
Only time will tell whether this bold venture will reveal itself to be a stroke of genius or a potentially grave error. In the meantime, the Drew community is left to grapple with the imminent reality that their once-peaceful campus is now home not to a W.M.D. but to a W.M.R.R.—a Weapon of Mass Ranger Readiness.
Squirrel with Scissors is a sophomore majoring in touring terrorism and minoring in acorn eating.
