In a shocking turn of events, Drew University’s residence halls have devolved into a full-scale survival battle, reminiscent of “The Hunger Games.”
What began as a minor dispute over laundry machine availability quickly escalated into an all-out war, pitting dorm against dorm in a ruthless fight for dominance.
As tensions reached a boiling point, students barricaded themselves within their respective buildings, transforming each dorm into its own “district” with unique battle tactics.
The residents of Hoyt-Bowne and Asbury have adopted a sophisticated approach using group chats and whiteboards to strategize their next moves. However, internal division over thermostat control has weakened their defenses. Haselton, Riker and Baldwin initially formed a strong alliance, but Baldwin defected, citing “irreconcilable differences” over stolen laundry.
Riker remains in a state of utter disarray, with residents refusing to acknowledge the war even exists. Some residents have taken refuge in denial, refusing to participate in dorm-wide decision-making, while others have hoarded snacks and hoisted the flag of anarchy.
McLendon, McClintock, Foster and Hurst, dubbed “The Fortress,” have constructed the most impenetrable stronghold on campus. Their defenses include mattress barricades, booby traps made from rogue command hooks and a fortified food supply.
“The Fortress” has become a bastion of safety, but their extreme isolation has raised suspicions about their true intentions.
Tipple remains an isolated and mysterious district. With an eerily calm demeanor, its residents have been preparing for battle in silence. Few know the extent of their preparations, but rumors suggest they had been stockpiling resources long before the war broke out.
In a surprising turn, Holloway has attempted to take a diplomatic approach, hosting negotiations and summits in an effort to restore peace. Unfortunately, these efforts have been met with indifference, and Holloway’s peace proposals have been rejected by every other dorm.
Tolley, Brown and Welch residents have mastered stealth tactics, launching covert raids on vending machines and rival dorms before vanishing into the night. Welch, however, has become infamous for its brutal pillow combat tournaments.
The victor of this ruthless battle will claim the coveted Ranger Bear costume, the iconic symbol of Drew’s school spirit. Once thought of as a mere prop, this costume has become a symbol of ultimate power and its possession is now seen as the ultimate prize.
Attempting to restore order, the Office of Residence Life has introduced “conflict resolution circles,” but these have largely been ignored in favor of strategic alliances and late-night raids on vending machines.
Campus Security attempted to drop in “supply crates” filled with granola bars and bottled water, but they were immediately looted by dorm champions. Unexpected plot twists have only added to the chaos.
“As a commuter, I can only watch in horror from the sidelines,” said Benjamin Castro (‘25). “I tried offering sanctuary in the commuter lounge, but within minutes, it was overrun by dorm refugees looking for outlets and leftover bagels.”
As Drew’s student body braces for what could be the final battle, one thing is certain: only the strongest, or the most stubborn, will survive.
Son of the Right Hand is a senior majoring in Armageddon Studies with a minor in Dance.
