Do you ever think you are hearing sounds coming from the infamous little critters that constantly lurk around campus? As it turns out, the squirrels have not only been speaking, but they are also spreading lies about your name and eavesdropping on all of your most sensitive conversations.
Now the real kicker is, if you cannot hear them, it means they do not like you, and you may or may not be on a list. And if they do like you, I am not sure what you did to appease these tree rats. Their selective silence is finally being exposed, and as someone who cannot hear them, I believe I can speak for all of these victims of discrimination when I say we must do something to resolve this issue.
There should be peace between us all, not only between the squirrels and who they disturbingly decide to praise. Just because they have been here through generations of Drew students does not give them the right to pick and choose with whom they speak.
I must agree with student Walby Cena (‘26), who said, “They’re the rats of nature. The fellas only like ‘em cause they’re cute, but I just don’t see it.”
Since I am unable to hear these rodents, I set up a system where concerned students can send letters to my mailbox in an effort to better understand the situation at hand.
A rather suspicious letter showed up that stated, “Actually, squirrels in fact cannot speak. The very notion of this is moronic and is based in lies and myth” (totally not a squirrel).
Infuriatingly enough, this was the only letter that I received, and I am rather concerned for our student body that not enough people are paying attention to this.
According to one student who wished to remain anonymous out of fear of the trees, “The squirrels were discussing how the garbage was subpar compared to last week.”
It’s absurd how little attention has been given to this issue. I fear for the grave danger we are all in because of the students whom the squirrels are attempting to recruit to their coalition. What they may be trying to achieve only elicits horror in the hearts and minds of students like myself. I wish you all the best of luck; keep a close eye on the trees.
Featured image courtesy of Pexels.com.
