Ollie’s Opinions: Why Cottage Cheese Should Not Exist

By Ollie Arnold | Copy Editor in Chief

3 mins read
Featured image courtesy of ccnull.de

Every morning I wake up and face the cold reality that I live in the same world as cottage cheese. I would like to open this article with the results of a Google search for “cottage cheese.” The first result was the Wikipedia article. The second result, in the “people also ask” section, reads “What is the downside of eating cottage cheese?” I rest my case.

According to healthline.com, “Cottage cheese is a good source of some vitamins and minerals, but it only contains small amounts of others, or none at all. If you only eat cottage cheese throughout the day, you won’t get the [Recommended Dietary Intake] of all the nutrients your body needs to function well. You may lose energy throughout the day, especially if you exercise.”

Image courtesy of commons.wikimedia.org

I have no clue why someone would only eat cottage cheese, but the point still stands. Cottage cheese has negligible nutritional benefits, especially when compared to its taste, texture or general appearance.

Nothing has ever looked so disgusting as cottage cheese. It looks like some sort of wound secretion. Nothing that can be described as “clumpy” is good. The Wikipedia article describes it as having a “soupy texture.” Why would they say that? It is not a flattering word. The article also lists foods that cottage cheese is commonly used as a substitute for, which includes mayonnaise of all things. Substituting mayonnaise with cottage cheese is like swapping a punch in the face for getting sucked into an industrial shredder. Neither option is good, but there is still a clear choice. 

Richard Nixon’s favorite snack was allegedly cottage cheese with ketchup. Think about that. Picture it. Cottage cheese. With ketchup. Need I say more? (Also, Richard Nixon.)

Cottage cheese should go back to the 80s where it belongs. Sometimes I go to the Commons for some nice yogurt, and then I see the cottage cheese container and I eat a bagel instead. Every time I view cottage cheese with my own two eyes, my glasses prescription gets slightly worse. My insurance can not keep up with the new pairs of glasses. If I keep having to see cottage cheese, I’m going to have to start paying for these things out of pocket, and I just can not condone that kind of behavior.

Is something blinding you with rage? Send it to me at oarnold@drew.edu and I’ll give you LASIK for free.

Ollie is a sophomore majoring in mathematics and minoring in computer science.

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