Get Those Damn Monarch Butterflies Out of My Country!

5 mins read

By Nate Chada

A Guest Article by John Michael Smith-Johnson.

I’d like to start off by listing my credentials. Of the numerous things that I am, the most important to my character is that I am a good, straight, God-fearing, white, Anglo-Saxon, Christian man from a long line of good, straight, God-fearing, white, Anglo-Saxon, Christian Americans. In other words, my voice matters, and if you don’t agree with me, it’s probably because you’re a stupid, whiny Liberal Snowflake with nothing better to do than express your unwelcome opinions and throw names around when someone doesn’t agree with you.

With that out of the way, let’s get right to the point. So, I’m not buggist or anything, but I’m tired of all those damn monarch butterflies fluttering into my country from all those foreign places with names I can’t even pronounce. Nowadays, you can’t take one step outside without seeing one of those orange bastards gently gliding through the air as if they own the damn place. And the thing is, it’s not like I’m prejudiced against them. No, I might hate them for no good reason, but I’m definitely not prejudiced. In case you still think I am, though, I’ve compiled a couple of excuses to lampshade my bugotry.

See, my first issue with their kind is that they don’t even come here legally. They fly into America on a “migration trip”—not even speaking a lick of American, mind you—and they lay their eggs on our leaves and expect us not to separate them from their children once we find out they don’t belong here. Then all you Liberal Pansies flock to their side, shrieking, “You can’t just tear apart a family like that!” Well, those damn monarchs should have thought of that before they decided to travel to an environment more conducive to the success of their children. The American Dream is for patriotic American bugs—like the cockroach, for instance. Illegal bugs like the monarch butterfly should just stay out of our country and suffer where we don’t have to see them.

Another issue I have with Monarch Butterflies? They’re stealing jobs from American pollinators. Surely you’ve heard about the bees dying. According to Liberal Liars, that’s happening because of “climate change.” Don’t even get me started on how fake climate change is; I didn’t even graduate high school, and I still know more about science than all those environmentalist nerds saying it’s real. But anyway, if it isn’t climate change killing the hard-working, all-American bees, then it must be those filthy monarch butterflies. How’s a bee supposed to feed its family when it can’t even find a job touching flowers? We’ve got bees living on the streets, hiveless and poor, and since it won’t prove my point to blame the bees for not working hard enough, I’m going to say it’s the fault of the monarch butterflies. Because it is.

If you don’t understand this by now, you’re a confused Liberal: Monarch Butterflies are ruining everything that makes this country American—like opportunity diversity unfounded hatred and a selfish disregard for the humanity of those who are different—and we need to do something about it. Donald Trump, my second God, is already determined to spend our tax money on the wall, but even that isn’t enough. Monarch Butterflies can fly over walls, and everyone knows they’re the real threat. What I propose is something better than the wall. I say we build a net—a net that reaches high up into the sky, or just to be safe, maybe even into space. A big, wonderful net—that’s the only way to Make America Monarch-free Again. God bless America. Amen.

Nate is a freshman.

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