By Nate Chada
In the wake of the internet service disruption that occurred Friday, October 20 between 4:55 a.m. and 4:56 a.m., University Technology has just sent out an email congratulating students on experiencing Drew University’s sesquicentennial wifi outage. “It’s truly a momentous occasion,” remarked Your Colleagues in University Technology, all speaking in perfect unison. “It’s comparable even to Woodstock or the birth of your first-born child. Hell, we’d all miss both of those things just to be a part of this. Some of us even have.”
But even if University Technology believes the event to be significant, it appears the vast majority of the student population has remained relatively skeptical of Drew University’s biggest one-five-oh. In fact, according to a poll put up today between 4:55 a.m. and 4:56 a.m., an astounding zero out of zero Drewids would go so far as to say that they don’t even believe in wifi outages. That’s 100 percent of students, according to the principles of Liberal Arts mathematics.
When asked to explain her skepticism, one of those students, Jacquelyn Wilhelm (‘21) replied, “See, I think this whole wifi outage thing is one big hoax, a conspiracy. See, the way I see it, UT is shutting off the wifi on purpose to scam good, hard-working people like you and me. See, that’s how they screw you out of your tuition. Well, no more, damnit! See, we paid for that wifi, we want it now, later, at 4:55 a.m., tomorrow, yesterday and forevermore!” After taking a moment to catch her breath, Wilhelm continued on to say, “Or maybe it isn’t UT. Look, I’m not saying it’s aliens, but if it isn’t UT, it’s totally aliens.”
Perhaps in an attempt to appease the cynics, the Powers That Be here at Drew University have decided to throw a campus-wide barbecue to commemorate the occasion. From 3:29 a.m. to 3:31 a.m. on Saturday, October 21, the finest caterers in the tri-state area will be roasting sunflower seeds just outside of Commons. Much to the delight of current freshman, these seeds will also come with a letter explaining their symbolic resonance as representations of how students shall grow over the next few years with the right amount of care and watering. “I think it’s a wonderful gesture,” said John Rinald (‘20), totally not reading aloud an already prepared quote without being given any context whatsoever. “I don’t know what a sasquatch-sentinel is, but still, it’s just so wonderful, you know?”
Sunflower seeds are being distributed on a first-come, first-served basis. Each seed-plus-letter combo will cost students four and a half meal swipes, so make sure to bring a student ID. All in all, thanks to the barbecue, students will be sure to look back on this night with fond memories and teary eyes for many internet service disruptions to come.
Update: The barbecue has been cancelled due to the weather being too normal.
Disclaimer: John Rinald probably does know what a sesquicentennial is. He’s a writing fellow. Also, to Our Colleagues in UT, we love you and appreciate your hard work and dedication.
Nate is a freshman.
Graphic by Julien Hryshko
