By Jake Levine
Drew University officials have announced that until the current “squirrel situation” is solved, the Simon Forum will be closed until further notice. University officials have been scrambling for days, holding emergency meetings ever since the squirrels got into some Whey Protein and took over the Weight Room at the Simon Forum.
Fake Public Safety has warned students “to be on the lookout for buff, muscly squirrels wearing cut-off tank tops and carrying protein shakes,” adding that if they start asking about “supplements,” commenting on your rockin’ pectoral muscles, or using the words “swole” or “gains,” you’ve probably encountered a compromised squirrel.
Though squirrels have been known to frequent garbage cans around campus in pursuit of appetizing endeavors, there are have been no reported adverse effects until now. Androg Wanjé (‘19) remarks, “I feel kinda bad, because the squirrels did get into my Whey Protein…But how was I supposed to know that leaving it outside for five seconds would result in the campus’ squirrels gaining sentience, developing an insatiable desire for working out and occupying the weight room?”
Responding to this latest animal-related incident in a long-line of tense standoffs, an anonymous university official states, “You would think after the groundhogs discovered communism in the library and tried to overthrow the university’s capitalist system, we would have learned something about fucking with the animals here.” Attempts at brokering peace between the squirrels and university have been irreparably damaged after Fake Public Safety’s failed counter-offensive against the current squirrel insurrection.
Cranjus McBasketball (‘17) tells me that he’s actually made friends with the squirrels. Between reps, he tells me, “Listen man, these guys are actually pretty chill. They just wanna get big and there’s nothing wrong with that. My dude BuffyBuff over there just deadlifted 335 lbs. yesterday. Dude’s a beast. I think everyone who criticizes these guys are just jealous of their totally dope regimen. These guys know what they’re doing.” BuffyBuff, the “alpha” of the rodent entourage, has a routine consisting of staring at himself in the mirror, grunting loudly as he lifts, throwing his weights down in a triumph yell and staring at himself in the mirror again.
Half of the regimen I’ve observed, just consists of the squirrels staring at their burly physiques and bulging muscles in the mirror. In fact, I think all these guys do in here is just stare at themselves in the mirror. Like right now, they’re all transfixed on their ripped forms, staring at themselves in the mirror with a vacant expression.
Fuck, now I’m doing it too…Shit they’re all big as fuck, like super fucking swole. I feel my thoughts preoccupied with these jacked squirrels, clouded with images of boundless gains. I notice that BuffyBuff has broken away from gazing at his totally defined core to stare directly into my eyes. His gaze is piercing, but I can’t look away. He seems to have a tank-top in my size. From “The Acron,” I’m Jake Levine…maybe one rep wouldn’t hurt.
Jake is a sophomore History major and an Art History and French double minor.
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