The years-long battle between Riker Hall residents and the vents in their rooms reached a violent conclusion early this morning. For decades, the building has been notorious for a heating system that knows no middle ground, forcing students to keep windows wide open in the dead of January in order to prevent heatstroke.
However, earlier today, the building’s aging structure finally gave in to the pressure, resulting in a massive explosion that has now displaced its residents.
Students reported that the air became incredibly dry, and several residents claimed their plastic trash cans began to warp and fuse to the linoleum floors. Numerous emergency facilities tickets were filed to no avail – the system continued to pipe fiery hot air into the building, eventually fully overwhelming anyone who dared stay inside.
The resulting explosion wasn’t a fireball, but a massive release of pressurized thermal energy that blew out the windows of the first three floors and sent a section of the brick facade crumbling onto the lawn.
The aftermath resembled a disaster movie set in a sauna. Displaced students stood on the dew-filled grass in pajamas, watching a thick plume of white steam billow from the gaping hole where the second floor lounge used to be. While no serious injuries were reported, the building suffered extensive damage; the sheer force of the bursting pipes tore the old bricks from the walls and melted the cables that provided the building’s already spotty Wi-Fi. It was, as one groggy sophomore put it, “the most Riker way possible to move out.”
Residence Life released a statement attributing the issue to “mysterious unforeseen circumstances,” refusing to address rumors of a demon in the basement, and have promised to relocate all displaced residents to McLendon Hall.
Meanwhile, a perimeter has been established around the ruins, as the laundry room remains a pressurized hazard of scalding water and rusted metal. For the rest of the Drew community, the explosion serves as a grim cautionary tale: When the radiators start hissing, it isn’t just a quirk of a historic building – it’s a countdown.
Squirrel With Scissors is a squirrel majoring in the art of chaos and minoring in acorn eating.
