The idyllic peace of The Forest is quickly becoming a nightmare. In a move that gobsmacked the campus community, the Drew University Student Government officially fashioned itself into a sovereign dictatorship this week.
Citing far too little food poisoning at the Commons and a general lack of respect for the Budgets and Organizations Board, the Cabinet has renamed the Ehinger Center to “The Fortress of Eternal Power.”
This descent into chaos began when the SGA president, referring to himself as “The Omnipotent General of Tolley-Brown,” stood on the front porch of Mead Hall and tore up SGA’s bylaws.
Using a microphone notably obtained without a purchase request, he established the “Un-Communications Committee,” or UCC. The UCC, he declared, shall make it their mission to make further rules as unclear as possible, working with the newly installed military leader of Drew’s administration to achieve maximum ambiguity.
SGA’s first order of business was the seizure of the Halal Shack booth. The popular rice bowls are now a “state-controlled asset,” and students wishing to obtain their pita and hummus must now prick their finger, hand in their ID card and take a blood oath swearing to engage with every SGA Instagram post for the next 18 thousand years.
Every student has now been assigned 20 dining points (except for senators, who are assigned 35) and is expected to ration them until the end of the year. Several students attempted to continue using meal swipes, however, the Acron has been unable to locate the students for interviews after they disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
The dormitories, meanwhile, have descended into abject terror. The chief financial officer has reportedly replaced all food in vending machines with “SGA Snacks,” unflavored crackers that cost $15 each and removed any option to use tap-to-pay solutions like Apple or Google Pay.
All residents of McLendon Hall have also been displaced as the vice president takes it over and remodels the entire building into the new Student Government lounge. In order to assert wandering tour groups’ dominance, SGA has collaborated with Admissions to modify all fire alarms to blast Chappell Roan’s popular song “Hot To Go!” 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
As the full moon rises over the library’s flickering lights, Mead Hall remains disturbingly quiet – likely because SGA successfully forced the university’s deans and vice presidents to resign and be replaced by a suite of “Doom Directors” to enable their agenda of evil.
For the remaining students who do not have a chance to escape, SGA has sent a clear message: if you see a senator approaching with a menacing grin, run. The Forest is no longer a place of light, fun and growth – it is an abyss of strictly enforced and deeply petty darkness.
Squirrel with Scissors is a senior majoring in the art of chaos and minoring in acorn eating.
