Ahoy Rangers! In one of the most bizarre sports stories in Drew University history, an unexpected athlete has emerged from the shadows, or rather, the sea.
A pirate, complete with a tricorn hat, a billowy shirt and an accent straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy mysteriously washed up on the shores of Drew’s campus this past week. The biggest twist? She’s an absolute powerhouse on the tennis court.
Campus security found the pirate who, due to a bout of amnesia, only responds to “Captain Topspin” wandering near the Simon Forum looking rather confused and demanding to know the location of her ship.
However, after some persistent questioning, a few details began to surface. Her real name is Goromi and she hails from Osaka, Japan. Strangely, while she has lost most of her memories, her strong Kansai accent remains fully intact.
Even more shocking, scattered recollections suggest she was once a formidable member of the Yakuza, though how she went from the criminal underworld to Drew University’s tennis courts remains a mystery.
Upon realizing that no ship or ocean was in sight, she decided to seek refuge at Drew. The mystery deepened when students invited her to a casual tennis match, only to discover her uncanny ability to return even the fastest serves with pinpoint accuracy.
“Oi! This is not a swordfight, but I will take it! If I can parry a blade, returning a small ball is nothing!” said Goromi.
Dispatching several members of the men and women’s tennis teams in back-to-back matches, the coaches were immediately impressed.
“We’ve never seen anything like this. She’s got a wicked topspin, an unstoppable backhand and she serves with a motion that looks like she’s throwing a harpoon. I don’t know where she learned it, but it’s working,” said Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, the coach of the men’s tennis team.
Despite no recollection of the past, Goromi has quickly adapted to campus life. She has been seen attending courses on maritime history, which she claims are utter nonsense.
“Back in me day, we ain’t be needin’ no class to teach us how to commandeer a vessel! What kind o’ rubbish is this?” said Goromi.
On occasion, when particularly frustrated, she has been heard muttering in a thick Kansai dialect about how things were handled back in the day, leaving students both amused and mildly terrified.
The NCAA is still determining whether Goromi is eligible to compete for Drew’s tennis team, given the ambiguity of her origins and age. However, one thing is certain. If she stays, Drew’s tennis program might be in for its best season yet.
For now, students and faculty alike are left wondering: Who is Goromi? Where did she come from? And most importantly, will she ever reclaim her memories, or has Drew found its newest sports legend?
Shun Akiyama is a junior majoring in finance with a minor in business and political science.
