If you have ever spoken to me, you know that the list of things that I despise is a long one. The subsection devoted to foods I hate is at least half the list on its own. Today we tackle the “food” that sits at the top of the list in bold red 48-point font: American cheese.
Much of my hatred of American cheese comes from the fear response I experience at the sight of it. While I understand intellectually that it is perfectly safe to eat, something inside me rejects that notion and releases a strong dose of fear chemicals every time it appears in front of me. My guess is that I must be aware of something that no one else is, and American cheese is not safe at all.
Another issue I have is with the name. Both words, “American” and “cheese,” are misnomers. For starters, it is not cheese. The Food and Drug Administration does not classify it as actual cheese. It is either a pasteurized processed cheese or a pasteurized processed cheese food, the difference being the percentage of non-cheese dairy added. Both are described in the cheese section of the Code of Federal Regulations (specifically Title 21, Chapter 1, Subchapter B, Part 133) as being prepared by mixing different types of cheese with or without other added dairy ingredients into a “homogeneous plastic mass.” A homogeneous plastic mass does not sound like something anyone should be eating.
I also do not think American cheese is especially American. It was invented by James L. Kraft, who you probably know from Kraft Foods, the company he founded (and the manufacturer of another of my nemeses, Kraft Mac & Cheese). This man has been giving us subpar cheese for over 100 years — he invented it in 1916, and the world grew just a little darker. America may be a roller coaster of a country, but I do live in it, so I think we deserve better things named after us than a disgusting orange square. Not to mention that Kraft was Canadian (though he did live in the United States at the time of the invention).
American cheese is a disgrace to cheese as a whole. It is frightening and inedible and I simply will not stand for it any longer. There are those who may argue that without American cheese, life would be worse. They may try to argue for its inclusion on sandwiches or burgers. To these individuals, I would like to dedicate the following message: just eat a plain hamburger, because I cannot condone that kind of behavior.
Are you cheesed off about something? Email me at oarnold@drew.edu, or track me down and scream in my face, and I will dedicate a whole article to decimating your enemy.
Ollie Arnold is a senior majoring in mathematics and minoring in computer science.
