Squirrels Unionize for Copyright

By Amelia Tirey | Staff Writer

3 mins read
Featured Image Courtesy of Pexels.com (edited by Elizabeth ___)

Drew University has long used the face of the squirrel for advertising and promoting the name of the school. The long fight to designate the squirrel as Drew’s mascot has gained no ground, and the squirrels are starting to grow discontent with the lack of compensation for the use of their face for Drew’s benefit. 

Over the past couple of months, the squirrels of Drew University have begun to gather and have formally organized a union called  Squirrels Want Money From Drew (SWMFD). SWMFD is led by Sir Wellington Bartholomew Harold Acornian James Richard III, who has spent the last seven months organizing and educating the squirrels on Drew’s campus. 

Image courtesy of Pexels.com (edited by Elizabeth_)

“Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak,” Sir Richard told the press in a powerful statement, “squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak, squeak squeak squeak.” He delivered this speech during a highly anticipated union rally that was held on Feb. 31 in the bushes by Seminary Hall. Over 200 members of Drew’s squirrel population attended; The Drew Acorn was invited per special request of union supporters and were the only humans allowed to attend. The Acorn team was bunched up by the bushes, sitting off to the side with their pen and paper and furiously taking notes. 

SWMFD has three simple demands for the squirrels of Drew University: recognition of the squirrel as the official mascot of Drew, proper payment to the squirrel population for the use of their face as said mascot (specifically they are asking for a minimum wage of 14.13 acorns per hour corresponding to the New Jersey minimum wage) and affordable living options on campus (specifically a brand new furnished dorm hall just for the squirrels with personal bathrooms and air conditioning). 

Sir Richard has declared that the squirrels of Drew will be on strike until those demands are met. The squirrels have already started covert operations to steal all of the merchandise and advertising that has a squirrel pictured on it; admissions have already reported a decrease in tour folders over the past couple of days. The squirrels have also started blocking the entrances to certain buildings, attacking anyone who dares to come near. This includes The Commons and the C Store, where students have reported having to run past a mob of squirrels to get into those areas. 

Drew University has yet to respond to the SWMFD demands, but the squirrels are relentless and have prepared for the long haul by stocking up on discarded bagels and pizza as they continue their strike.

Amelia Tirey is a sophomore majoring in history with a double minor in political science and music.

Featured image courtesy of Pexels.com (edited by Elizabeth_)

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