Hi there! My name is Carl Mustard. Are you a gay squirrel looking for a new squirrband? Well, you are in luck because I am available and looking for a new relationship.
One interesting fact about me is that I LOVE music. If you love music, we will be a perfect match. I love all types of music such as the 5 Nuts of Summer and Ed Sheacorn. Listening to music on a morning tree-hopping session or dancing on a rooftop is the best feeling. Music is a great bonding opportunity, too.
I am looking for someone who will help keep our nest clean. I hate a nest that is full of nuts in the wrong places. We can design a home that is neat and gorgeous. If you enjoy interior nest designing, then I will love you forever. It makes me so happy to see a clean, happy nest.
I will be honest: I just came out of a marriage that carries a lot of baggage nuts. We have a daughter together, but we are great at co-squirreling and are on good terms. I have custody of our daughter, Macadamia, every other week, which means you and I can have the other weeks to ourselves.
I also love human watching. Every Wednesday, I go to the Tree by The Commons to watch a group of humans having lunch together. They are so funny and always have drama together. One time, I saw two of them touching hands. When everyone saw that, they became very angry. I had the time of my life. So if you like drama, we will get along.
Now, you must be wondering: What is my dream date? How can I impress him? All you have to do is take me to a tall tree in the middle of the woods. There, we can watch the balls of fire in the sky glitter as we eat extravagant nuts that we found together early in the day. We then can fall asleep in each other’s paws. After we wake up, we can go tree-hopping and listen to Taylor Swift’s songs “Lavender Hazelnut” and “Sweet Nutthing,” which are her two best hits.
I hope you reach out soon! I have so much more to offer. If you are interested in going on a date with me, throw an acorn at 36 Treeville Ave, Madison, NJ 07940.
Elizabeth ____ is a is a sophomore majoring in squirrel interpretation and minoring in Tedditing.