Some things should just be illegal. Fruit-at-the-bottom yogurt. Kraft Singles. Pens that don’t click. But the thing I want banned the most is the one thing I can never conceivably eliminate. I would like to outlaw human babies.
Babies are the root of all evil. They have horrible mind control powers that zap any adult in a 25-yard radius, sentencing them to indentured servitude to something that can’t even hold its head up. A human baby is a useless creature whose only purpose is to plague my waking hours with the screams of the damned and the fluids of doom.
According to healthline.com, babies are born with 300 bones. That’s almost 100 more bones than an adult’s 206. Where are they getting these bones from? My running theory is that they steal them from innocent elderly women. This explains both the ridiculous number of bones in a baby and the pervasive joint pain of the senior community.
My main problem with babies is how much everyone wants you to like them. Babies do not have a single good quality, yet people get incredibly offended if you express anything less than worship towards them. It’s like politely refusing a plate of mashed potatoes and then receiving a full lecture on the benefits of root vegetables. The worst argument people use is “You were a baby once!” To which I say, “So what?” If I saw myself as a baby, I would hate myself. I was the least fun baby ever born. I came out a full month after my due date looking like a pickled chipmunk and did nothing but cry incessantly until I was at least four months old.
Babies are not cute. Evolution and hormones are simply lying. If you gave me a picture of every baby animal in the world and told me to rank them by cuteness, I would put human infants solidly at the bottom. In a world where baby birds with chewed-up-wad-of-gum bodies exist, this is an impressive low. A kitten is infinitely cuter than a human baby, and it stays just as adorable when it grows up. Human babies are disgusting little gnome creatures who have the possibility to grow up to look like Boris Johnson.
The worst place to encounter a baby is on an airplane. There’s a 99% chance that it will cry the whole time, and it’s not considered socially acceptable to tell a baby to shut up. If dogs have to go in the cargo hold, I think babies should too. There’s no real reason to bring a baby on a plane in the first place. In fact, I don’t think there’s a reason why babies should even be taken out of the house until they become slightly-less-annoying preschoolers.
If you’re considering becoming a parent, I can’t say I applaud you. The world doesn’t need more bodily fluids. If I were you, I’d dedicate my time and money to a more worthy cause, like NFTs or a trip to the Sahara Desert. As my final statement, babies cause global warming. Don’t ask me how—they just do. And I simply can’t condone that kind of behavior.
Ollie Arnold is a sophomore majoring in mathematics and minoring in computer science.