I don’t like humans. They are big and loud and they keep cutting down my precious trees. I am from a superior race. The humans should fear me. Those humans can embarrassingly stay on the ground while me and my brethren rule from above.
It was so nice when the humans weren’t here two springs ago. I was able to go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted without having to avoid those two-leggers. The deer did get too brave though. And the raccoons. And the groundhogs. And the chipmunks. But then they had to ruin my life and come back.
The humans deserve my wrath. That is why I created the most amazing new sport. It is called: Pop the Human. Scurries of my kind form into teams. All you need are acorns and your wits. The goal of the game is to hit as many humans with acorns as you can within a single day.
You receive one point for hitting any part of the human except for their head. That’s the money shot. You hit a head-you receive 10 points. As the creator and 13-time winning champion of Pop the Human, I really wanted my brethren to feel inspired to go for the head. It is always so funny to see how upset the humans get when they are hit. One time, I managed to hit a human so hard with an acorn they fell down. It made my week.
Going to classes? Hit. Going to dorms? Hit. Going to eat food? Hit. Spending time outside and minding your own business? Hit. Nobody is safe. Nowhere is safe. The forest is ours and no human is going to take that away from us. Humans are outnumbered and outmatched. Fear me! For I am Crazy Blaze Man Killer and I always keep my promises. Pop the Human is only the beginning.
