Ollie’s Opinions: Nobody Likes Great Aunt Eater (She’s a Giant Anteater)

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anteater on rough land among plants in zoo
Photo by Lucas Pezeta on Pexels.com

If there is one animal I hope to never come across, it is the giant anteater.

In this world, there exist two creatures that fill me with emotions I do not understand. The first is the koala, which instills in me a primal rage that I will not be discussing further, because I might flip a table. The second, the anteater, evokes a different, unidentifiable feeling. I suspect it to be some sort of deep-seated evolutionary fear that intends to keep me alive.

Every time I learn a new fact about these ungodly beasts I tremble with disgust. According to Kidadl, anteaters run at 30 miles per hour. What business do they have galloping at 30 miles per hour ? Do they need to outrun ants? I also did not know, according to World Atlas, that there are four species of anteaters. The most well known is the giant anteater, which I wish would vanish into nothingness. The other three species have, as of yet, not personally wronged me. They are also much smaller. 

According to the Smithsonian’s National Zoo & Conservation Biology Institute website, an adult giant anteater can reach 100 pounds, a full 85 to 90 pounds heavier than the two next largest species, northern and southern tamanduas. The smallest species, the silky anteater, doesn’t even weigh a full pound. If I saw a silky anteater on the street, I would be filled with glee. If I saw a giant anteater on the street, I would throw up out of fear and disgust at the sheer size of those things.

wood animal cute grass
Photo by Nicolette Leonie Villavicencio on Pexels.com

I am willing to admit that the babies are kind of cute. But then they get enormous and sprout four-inch claws. That’s a no thank you from me. 

Anteaters have killed. Several people have been fatally attacked by anteaters, and it’s not just limited to anteaters in the wild. While there have been several incidences of hunters being killed by cornered, threatened anteaters, the most egregious example by far, found on the La Nacion website, was in 2007, when an Argentinian zookeeper was killed by a giant anteater named “Ramón” who was described as “aggressive” by former zoo employees. Clearly anteaters are not to be trusted. Most consider them to be docile creatures, but I know the truth.

If I routinely put my tongue into a pile of dirt which contained thousands of angry biting insects, I would be taken to court and fined. Why, then, do we let anteaters get away with it? Speaking of tongues, the Smithsonian’s National Zoo & Conservation Biology Institute says theirs is attached to their sternum. Yes, you read that right. Their sternum. They don’t even have teeth to go with it. 

If you want to learn more about how horrible giant anteaters are, Smithsonian’s National Zoo & Conservation Biology Institute is a great place to start.

To anyone who thinks anteaters are in any way “adorable” or “pleasant,” I am truly sorry that you have such incorrect opinions. Please consider changing your mind as soon as possible, because as the only person who is never wrong, I can’t condone that kind of behavior.


I am incredibly poggers :]

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