You Just Made Contact With Someone on the Path. Fuck.

4 mins read

By Jake Levine

Following your normal route to Brothers College, you are walking to class down the path. Headphones in, windbreaker up, and sunglasses on, you are walking in style. You let your thoughts drift as you make your way through the forest. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, groundhogs scuttle across the Tipple Pond, and the occasional squirrel dive-bombs a garbage can. It’s a perfect day at Drew University – campus, and life, is beautiful.

However, you are suddenly and abruptly shaken from the dreamlike atmosphere. Up ahead on the path, shadows are forming. Animals sprint away from the spot, fleeing in terror. Wind gusts suddenly pound your face, blowing your hair in multiple directions. In that godless spot, you see a figure approaching. Fuck. You suddenly take your phone out, trying to look busy. You aimlessly scroll through Twitter as the subject approaches. Don’t look up, don’t look up, you tell yourself as you come closer and closer to the approaching person. You briefly look up to see this apparition coming ever closer. An impasse is unavoidable. Brace yourself.

You begin to break out in a cold sweat, the figure is right in front of you. Looking to the side, you pretend to be admiring the trees. The moment has come. You feel the presence of the other, and you pray that whatever god will listen. After what feels like an eternity, you look to confirm that the danger has passed. You slowly turn your head with extreme caution, and immediately realized you’re fucked. You just made contact with someone on the path. What do you do? Do you run, do you hide, do you place your head in a ditch like an ostrich?

Let’s examine your options. You reckon that running is a pretty good option. You could totally book it, and after accessing the area around you, the forest looks quite inviting. Hiding could also be pretty effective. There’s a nice shrubbery in the corner that seems to have your name on it. You could totally dive-bomb the shit out of it, and conceal yourself from the grave miscalculation you just made. Placing your head in the ground like an ostrich is probably going to be pretty tough, but hey, you have to believe to achieve. The ground looks a little hard and crusty right now, but if you burrow your head hard enough, there’s a chance you could break through the surface. After all, if there’s a will there’s a way.

Alarms have been going off in your head for at least a minute now, and you don’t know what to do. You continue to slowly walk around the path. Your thoughts and scattered and distraught. The sun has now hidden behind the clouds, the birds are silent in judgement, the groundhogs hid in their hole, and the squirrels are motionless on the trees. Drew University has suddenly come to a standstill. Lost in the dread of your desolate thoughts, you suddenly look up and see your dude, Stefan up ahead. You look up and nod your head, as your arm goes up in a wave. As you and Stefan make eye contact, and move forward to greet one another, you suddenly lose your balance and eat shit. Goddammit. You should have buried your head in the ground like an ostrich. Freakin’ idiot.  

Jake is a sophomore History major with a double minor in Art History and French.

Leave a Reply

Previous Story

Spotlight Athlete: Morgan Mason

Next Story

New Disney reboot offers queer “representation”

Latest from Blog

%d bloggers like this: