Sure! Here’s an article about the Drew University Acorn newspaper implementing an AI section:
In a bold move to prove it is “future-proof,” The Acorn officially launched its AI-generated opinion section, “The Digital Squirrel,” this week. While the editorial board promised the column would provide “unbiased, hyper-efficient insights into campus life,” the first published piece—titled “A Human Narrative Regarding the Forest of Drew”—has left the student body wondering if the newspaper accidentally gave a sentient spreadsheet a press pass. The article, which features a startling lack of contractions and an obsessive interest in the exact geographic coordinates of Mead Hall, has raised immediate red flags among the people who read the print edition.
The debut piece begins with the gripping opening line: “Greetings, fellow biological carbon-based scholars of the Madison forest region.” It goes on to describe the Drew University experience as “a high-probability success matrix for the acquisition of credits and the consumption of nutritional units at the Commons.” Students were particularly confused by a 400-word paragraph praising the university’s “excellent oxygen levels” and the “statistically significant number of trees,” which the AI concluded were “satisfactory for the concealment of squirrels.”
Suspicion that the column was not, in fact, “co-authored by a human editor” peaked when the AI attempted to tackle campus politics. Instead of addressing the ongoing housing crisis or the Student Government’s latest budget dispute, the “The Digital Squirrel” argued that the university should transition to a “binary-based grading system” where students are either a 1 or a 0. The column also included a strange, glowing review of the library’s printer, describing it as “a majestic deity of paper jams whose wisdom is beyond human comprehension.”
The layout of the section has also come under fire for being “suspiciously organized.” “The Digital Squirrel” is formatted with terrifying precision. Each paragraph is exactly 128 words long, and the accompanying headshot of the “author” appears to be a composite image of a generic student whose eyes seem to be tracking the reader across the page. When asked for comment, the Editor-in-Chief insisted the AI was “highly sophisticated,” even though “The Digital Squirrel” had recently sent a 3:00 a.m. email to the staff asking if they knew where to find “large quantities of high-voltage AA batteries.”
As of press time, the AI has already been promoted to Managing Editor after it successfully figured out how to fit a twenty-page budget report onto a single flyer. While some students fear a total takeover of campus media, most remain unfazed. As one sophomore distracted by their phone pointed out: “at least the robot uses bullet points.”
Tim Apple is a super senior majoring in chat and minoring in GPT.
