In a terrible turn for Drew University, a newly published article by the Princeton Review has dubbed the school No. 1 on the list of “Best Northeastern Schools for Losers and Squares.” This cannot be tolerated. It is time for Drew University to make a change.
To change this university from one full of losers to one full of winners, we must take decisive action. We must choose to enhance the bonds between students, making the time they spend here matter for the rest of their lives. To accomplish this, to become the best university that Drew University can be—we must implement hazing.
I, a student here at Drew, have always known that there was a bit of a hazing drought, but I was blissfully unaware of just how severe the problem was until recently. The lack of Greek life on campus has led to a large portion of students missing out on key aspects of the college experience. After surveying over 100 Drew students, less than five had ever been electrocuted by jumper cables, and those that had been given the ol’ nipple neutralizer claimed they had not received it during their time at Drew. These are, frankly, deplorable numbers.
There are a few issues that everyone knows Drew has: too few ambulances going by, too little alcohol poisoning and too few fire alarms. Hazing, and only hazing, can bring relief to these problems. I believe that we need to implement programs in order to facilitate hazing in order to save the university from itself.
To promote hazing, clubs should be granted a separate hazing budget. This will allow clubs to improve membership retention, as all new recruits will bond together. Every club president knows the feeling of having their numbers decline week-by-week as the meetings slowly die. Hazing will prevent this painful exsanguination by making new recruits blood brothers thanks to being waterboarded with vodka together.
Additionally, hazing will allow the townhouses to become more active around campus. Hopefully, the various hazing rituals will involve fire in some way, allowing for the townhouses to have their fire alarm go off more, just like they have always dreamed.
The most important detail, to ensure no student is left out of the bonding, is to add hazing to all student orientations. Currently, transferring students struggle to find their place at Drew, but by having transfers and freshmen drink mystery liquids together, transfers will find their place.
In short, hazing is an important part of any college with cool students, and thus should be implemented as soon as possible.
Chet Chadsworth is a ultra senior majoring in general studies and minoring in slightly more specific studies
