For my whole life, I have been a staunch backpack supporter. The backpack is the superior form of bag, with its spacious interior and weight-distributing pair of shoulder straps placing it far above any other. If the backpack is the best kind of bag, you may be asking yourself which is the worst. I am here to tell you that it is the clutch.
The clutch bag earned its name by being a bag that you clutch — it must be held in your hand. The whole point of a bag is that you do not have to carry things. If the clutch does not achieve that, it is not worthy of being called a bag. It is more like a wrapper for your wallet. Using a clutch so you do not have to hold your things is like building a campfire so you do not have to turn on the stove.
The clutch also fails to meet the other requirement of a bag — it needs to fit all of your stuff. A clutch could maybe fit my wallet or my phone, but not both – to say nothing of my keys, pens, pencils, Swiss Army knife, extra phone charger, sketchbook and 37 different fidget toys. I like to be prepared, and a clutch cannot help me in that regard.
Another thing that there is no space for is decoration. I like putting pins on my bag (so everyone can tell how cool I am), and a clutch can fit maybe one or two. How are strangers supposed to know what things I enjoy if they are not displayed on my accessories?
Proponents of the clutch will say that they like it because it looks cute. I think these people are wrong, and a clutch will always look stupid no matter how much it matches your outfit. Also, no amount of cuteness could be worth losing the use of one of your hands.
The clutch became popular in the U.S. in the 1920s. The other popular thing in the 20s? Organized crime. While I can prove no causation, there is most certainly a correlation there. There is no definitive proof that Al Capone didn’t carry a clutch purse.
I think all handbag companies should stop making clutches and dedicate their factories entirely to the production of backpacks (and not those tiny ones, I want full-size backpacks). Chanel and Valentino, take notice: your bags are too small and silly looking, and I simply cannot tolerate that kind of behavior.
Do you have too much anger to fit into a clutch (which, let’s be honest, isn’t much)? Let me know what’s destroying your sanity and I’ll publicly destroy it. You can email me at oarnold@drew.edu, or just track me down in person and scream in my face.
Ollie Arnold is a senior majoring in mathematics and minoring in computer science.
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