Jukebox musicals are a scourge on humanity, and nothing displays this better than recent release “Hills Under Michigan,” directed by Neil Breen. The story follows a trio of young adults who, while exploring the shores of Lake Michigan, accidentally open up a mystical gateway that takes them to a dark realm from which they find themselves unable to escape. In order to leave, the characters must traverse six hills, facing their greatest fear at the top of each one. Once they reach the final peak, they are granted an audience with the overlord of the realm, whom they must persuade to grant them their freedom.
“Hills Under Michigan” boasts the creative tagline “This summer, Erie isn’t just a lake.” Unfortunately, Erie is just a lake—the film takes place at a completely different great lake. And I certainly would not describe the atmosphere as “eerie;” rather, I would describe it as “unfortunate” or “mildly unpleasant.”
The movie, against all odds, has an all-star cast: the three main characters Marie, Matt and Mike are played by Selena Gomez, Jaden Smith and Danny Devito, respectively. You may notice that one of these things is not like the others—despite the characters being in their early twenties, one of them is played by Danny Devito. There seems to have been no effort whatsoever to make the 79-year-old Devito look even remotely younger, and when asked about this casting choice, the studio had no response. It is unclear what reason any of these very famous people could have for appearing in this movie—I suspect blackmail was involved.
By far the film’s boldest move was the choice to use songs by a multitude of artists, rather than sticking to one in typical jukebox musical fashion. The first musical number is an arrangement of “Bring Me to Life” by Evanescence with Gomez on lead vocals. The characters, having been transported to a mysterious hellscape by an unknown force, believe themselves to be dreaming and plead with the unknown force to “wake me up.” Of particular note is Devito’s rendition of Adele’s “Hello,” sung as a message to the girlfriend he left behind in the real world.
Perhaps the most horrifying of all, “Hills Under Michigan” is the first jukebox musical in known history to use a song from another musical. The movie’s final number is “Seasons of Love” from the hit stage musical Rent. Every character that appears in the entire movie (including some that died in earlier scenes) walks onscreen, stands in line and sings “Seasons of Love.” And then each character takes a bow, as if the film has suddenly mutated into a stage show.
“Hills Under Michigan” is a must-watch, if not for the plot or special effects, then for the sheer absurdity of the events onscreen. This is the worst movie I have ever seen, and I give it nine stars out of 10.
Benjamin Dover is a junior majoring in fish farming and minoring in puppetry.
Featured image courtesy of Pexels.com.
