Ex-husband squirrels are the worst. I am not sure why I married this squirrel. He is a no-good lying son of an owl. I, Hercules Axel, have compiled a list of reasons why you should NOT marry Carl Mustard. I have decided that this must be published in The Drew Acron because I feel like Carl would write an ad in the paper for a new squirrband. I just know it. It is quite embarrassing for him, so I must beat him to it and warn you all not to engage. This is my warning so that you do not enter a doomed marriage.
1. He plays his music too loud.
Carl is obsessed with music for no reason. Why do you have to blast music when we are tree-hopping or on the silent tree?!?! I do not get it. Yes, music is amazing and a great bonding opportunity, but it does not need to be played in all situations. The worst part is that he will only listen to music with the volume blasting.
2. He is messy.
He leaves his nuts EVERYWHERE. He thinks he is neat and organized, but he is not. He said while we were dating that he wanted someone who prefers cleanliness, but after we got married, I realized that he just wants a maid.
3. He is terrible at co-squirreling.
We adopted a squirrel daughter together whose name is Macadamia. We are NOT co-squirreling well. I feel so bad for Macadamia. We exchange Macadamia behind the apple tree every Friday. I always have to bring my best friend, Earl, to make sure we do not get into a physical fight. We both stand 15 nuts away from each other at all times. I think I need to get a restraining nut on him.
4. He loves human drama.
Now there is a healthy amount of drama to like, but oh my nuts. Carl is obsessed with human drama. Every Wednesday, he goes to the tree by The Commons to watch these humans talk. He thinks it is the most interesting thing in the world. NO. I am the most interesting thing in the world.
5. He expects me to prepare the most over-the-tree romantic dates.
Carl would always ask me out on this date where we gazed at the balls of fire in the sky. But when we went out, guess what?! He would expect me to have set up an extravagant assortment of nuts and have an overnight nest prepared for us to sleep in. He would expect music to be played when we would wake up the next morning. I did not appreciate him expecting me to do everything and then doing nothing in return.
These are only five reasons why Carl Mustard is not squirrband material. If you would like to learn more, then throw an acorn at 63 Treeville Ave, Madison, NJ 07940. And Carl, if you are reading this, don’t forget to pick up Macadamia from daycorn.
Elizabeth ___ is a sophomore majoring in history