As students know, Drew University recently completed construction of the new Olympic-sized swimming pool on top of Brothers College. During the grand opening of the pool, Drew announced the addition of two new sports teams. During the warmer months, the pool will be the home of the Drew Men’s Water Polo Team, and during the winter, the pool will be iced over for the Drew Curling Team. In light of two new teams joining the Drew community, here is everything students need to know.
When the construction of the pool began, Drew workers accidentally titled the pool as “polo’ and were too embarrassed to change the name. Water polo was not played at Drew previously due to complaints of violence, unsanitary practices and struggles to place horses in the water. However, now that there is an aquatic facility that the swim team will not be using, men’s water polo is making a splash.
Unfortunately, the team’s inaugural game did not live up to expectations as the Rangers experienced a disastrous loss to the highly-ranked Neptune Narwhals. “After a game like that, they’re going to swim ‘till they puke,” said Assistant Coach Ryan Leong in a post-game interview. Leong would go on to violently puke all over the interviewer.
Regardless, the coaches are confident that the Rangers will ride the tide to victory as they gain more experience on how to actually swim. “I expect the team to sprout from a tiny acorn into a mighty evergreen as the year progresses,” said Head Coach Mitch Walker. It should be noted that Walker is ignorant to the fact that trees do not grow underwater, nor do evergreens grow from acorns.
For students worried that the pool is an unnecessary expense that will be vacant during the winter, fear not! Curling is sliding into the spotlight this winter. The student body has been demanding the establishment of a curling team for decades. As everyone knows, curling is the most riveting sport of mid-day television for people over the age of 85, and Drew was eager to tap in on this developing market.
Coaches are working to recruit only the best student athletes so that the Drew Rangers can sweep away the competition next year. They are also desperate for a new College Zamboni, after the old one famously exploded while driving on the I-95. All students with an affinity for custodial activities or pushing a large rock on top of ice are asked to try out for the team.
Students should also be mindful of a last minute addition to the fall course library, ZAM 101: Introduction to Zamboni Arts, which fulfills the arts breadth of education requirement and counts as an immersive experience.
Students with classes in Brothers College from November to February are being warned to watch out for falling curling stones and have been told to sign the appropriate health insurance waivers. After some training sessions outside of class hours, Facilities was called to patch holes in the roof of the building. If students notice any remaining holes, they are urged to promptly inform Facilities via an incident report.
With these new sports coming to Drew, Brothers College is sure to be more interesting than ever! Check out drewrangers.com or email Coach Mitch Walker at firstname.lastname@example.org for more information.
Sierra Mist is a soph-drink-more studying fizz-ics. Joe Mama is majoring in Deez.