This week, I’d like to ask you, dear readers, a question: what’s worse than raisins? The answer is, of course, when raisins are combined with other foods to distract from their scatological appearance and flavor. Raisin Bran, for example, tries to hide the raisins under a layer of sugar and bran—unsuccessfully, as the bran simply accentuates every negative feature of the raisins. Also, they put the word “raisin” in the name. Don’t even get me started on oatmeal raisin cookies, which are just plain manipulative.
One of the worst offenders in the world of disguising raisins is trail mix. Trail mix draws you in with the promise of chocolate chips or M&M’s before trapping you in the inescapable void of dried grapes. If you manage to evade the raisins, the reward isn’t even worth it, because under the raisins is a minefield of nuts. Nuts are not fun to eat.
In the northeastern United States, some people refer to trail mix as “gorp.” This is fundamentally wrong. “Gorp” is the least handsome word I have ever seen. The word “gorp” reminds me of the sound a cat makes when it is about to produce a hairball upon your recently purchased $1,100 queen-size memory foam mattress. Gorp, according to my father, was originally an acronym that stood for “Good Ol’ Raisins and Peanuts.” I find this to be a misnomer. There are more elements than just raisins and peanuts. Any good trail mix should have chocolate, as a rule. It also isn’t good, and it shouldn’t be old. Why would you eat old food?
Trail mix is just M&Ms with obstacles. Everyone who eats it is only there for the chocolate. Anything that gets between me and my chocolate runs the risk of being dumped directly into a toilet. On scoutingwire.com’s ranking of 35 trail mix ingredients, for some reason they rank M&Ms at number eight, below banana chips. Banana chips violate the Geneva Convention. Clearly the Boy Scouts were a mistake, and should never have been created.
If you think you have a craving for trail mix, you are incorrect. Go eat some chocolate chips. To those who have made it through this article and still believe in the virtues of nuts and raisins, you are getting between me and my chocolate. For that reason, I may need to inflict upon you grievous bodily harm, because I just can’t condone that kind of behavior.
Do you hate something as much as I hate trail mix? Probably not because my hate is vast and eternal. But, if you hate something even half as much, send it over to me at firstname.lastname@example.org, and I might lambast it in your honor.