As someone with a great deal of opinions, it’s not uncommon for me to meet people who disagree with me. While they may be incorrect, they’re at least entitled to their own opinions. However, there are some things that everyone agrees on. Don’t wear socks with sandals. Elon Musk is just plain ridiculous. Circus Peanuts are gross. These are universal truths.
Or so I thought. Returning to my last point, Circus Peanuts are disgusting. I’ve never seen someone buy them, let alone eat them. I don’t know why companies still make them when they clearly can’t be turning a profit. Unfortunately, I am privy to the knowledge that there exists at least one person who enjoys Circus Peanuts. I can’t remember how it came up, but my ex-therapist liked them. (Side note: she’s not my ex because of the Circus Peanuts.) It’s a wonder my mental health ever managed to improve with that knowledge. I have come to the logical conclusion that this woman is single-handedly keeping the entire Circus Peanuts industry alive.
Before I start complaining, here’s some background information. Circus Peanuts, according to Spangler Candy, date back to the 19th century. They are supposedly banana flavored, which I don’t think anyone knew because no one eats them. This was new and horrifying information to me, a person who hates bananas and hates banana flavoring even more. Another fun fact: some guy at the General Mills cereal company chopped up Circus Peanuts into a bowl of Cheerios for some godforsaken reason, leading to the eventual creation of Lucky Charms. This is the most cursed information I have ever learned and I encourage you to tell your friends.
Now that we have some basic knowledge (and also gave Lucky Charms free promotion), it’s time to complain. Why, you ask, are Circus Peanuts the most revolting things that have ever crossed my line of vision? Well, I know they’re supposed to look like peanuts. But they don’t. They look like toes. Nasty, diseased, old man toes. They’re also puke orange. I think that whoever chose that color probably tried a Circus Peanut, threw up all over the floor because it was so awful and then said, “that seems like an appropriate color for these.” Honestly, they might have been correct. The color is a fun preview of what happens after you eat them.
Another issue that I have with Circus Peanuts is that when I Googled them, I got recipe results for something called Circus Peanut Jello Salad. I had never heard of this before and, boy, I wish I hadn’t. The one I read about was described as “creamy” and “fruity,” two words which instantly struck fear into my heart. “Potlucks and BBQ’s just got more fun!” wrote the recipe’s unhinged author. No, Jamie from Love Bakes Good Cakes. No, they did not. Besides the Circus Peanuts, the recipe includes orange gelatin, crushed pineapple and Cool Whip. It also calls for you to dissolve 44 Circus Peanuts in boiling water, which I think might violate the Geneva Convention.
Check out the recipe. Even if you don’t want to make it, you should look at the pictures because I had to. Fair warning, it looks like someone vomited into a baking dish and chilled it in the fridge.
To anyone who enjoys Circus Peanuts: you are wrong. I advise you to reconsider your stance, because as the only person whose opinion matters, I can’t condone that kind of behavior.