By Nate Chada
After receiving several strongly worded letters from one really ticked-off student, Drew University has at long last addressed the glaring campus safety issue presented by the constant barrage of falling tree-nuts. While the student body’s more hard-headed individuals have reportedly told concussion-sufferers to “suck it up, buttercup,” 103 percent of the Drewid population agrees that the rain of terror needs to end.
Ever eager to please, Drew University has already begun looking into various methods of reducing campus-wide rates of acorn-related casualties. Recently, the university has tried ordering Public Safety to start cracking down on midnight blood sacrifices to the God of Squirrels, as well as kindly asking Gravity to “please stop.” So far, neither of these tactics have proven useful, somehow actually serving to increase nut-related violence by a staggering 2.021 percent. Authorities suspect foul play in the ranks of Public Safety; two and a half students have reported seeing an unidentified Public Safety officer climbing a tree to make suspicious eye contact with alleged local crime boss Squirr-Al Capone.
So, will the Acorn Deathstorm ever end? In the immortal words of the critically acclaimed physicist Isaac Newton, “No.” But even so, there might be hope for class-attenders yet. The Office of Health Services has opened up its doors to those seeking sanctuary from the madness. There, you can receive emotional support from a trauma counselor or self-defense lessons to prepare for future attacks. Those who have suffered are also entitled to one free hard hat (while supplies last), so hurry on down to the Office of Health Services to protect yourself against the menace looming above.
Update: They’ve run out of hard hats.
Upperdate: They’ve run through their supply of emotional support, too.
Uppestdate: The self-defense teacher has recently gone into hiding due to an acorn-related assassination attempt. Though she is no longer around to provide students with lessons, the fact that she survived is a testament to the depth of her skill.
Graphic by David Giacomini.