By Cranjus McBasketball
I have tried to be silent on the matter, but I feel that I can no longer sit passively and allow this to continue. I can tolerate many things that may be unbearable to others. The feel of my sock sliding in my shoe is something that I can live with. Biting my tongue while eating too fast is something that I can live with. Having a wedgie in public that you can’t adjust is something that I can live with. However, there is one thing I cannot stand for. It irks me in a way unlike anything else. It makes my blood boil, my hands clench in fists of rage, my teeth grind: beanies. Fuck those stupid little hats – I have no time for them.
Fashion has never really been my forte, but I can understand the distinction between function and form. An article of clothing can have form – style or beauty – but not function. It seems in today’s world of fashion, functionality has given way to form, manifest in the obsession with style and presentation over actual purpose. Consider the uselessness of the beanie. It is not used for warmth or protection from the cold like real hats are. You would not be able to survive the winter with a stupid fucking beanie. The cold would bite at your ears and numb the soft spot of your head constantly, as frostbite and chilling temperatures ravaged your stupid beanie wearing body. A hat is meant to keep your head warm, and if it doesn’t meet that basic requirement, it can fuck right off.
However, beanies’ disregard of functionality is not my main issue with them. Rather it is the fact that they look like they are falling off the wearer’s head, as if it is desperately clasping the edge of the stupid head of the person wearing it. Every time I see a beanie, I just want to adjust it. Either put it on like a real hat, or take that shit off. I’m tired of seeing them, and you, the wearer, must be tired of living a lie; you know damn well that these beanies are false prophets, proclaiming themselves as hats when in reality, they are nothing more than an empty accessory.
Chris D’Elia’s erudite “beanie” tweet perfectly demonstrates this rage against the uselessness of beanies. He states, albeit in a somewhat over-the-top manner, “When a dude wears a beanie on the back of his head and styles the front of his hair so it peeks out I want to murder his family.” I think Chris articulates one of my main contentions: beanies are a waste of space and a detriment to society.
So, the next time you see a beanie, remember it is a useless sack of shit resting on its wearer’s head. Moreover, if you’re a beanie wearer, I suggest you get a real hat. Consider Anna Gombert (’20). She has a beanie, but she wears it right – like a hat. While I disagree with her usage of the beanie, a moronic fake hat, I respect that she at least wears it in a manner demonstrative of a hat’s actual function. She attempts to actually keep her ears and head warm from the cold of winter. Overall, I hope this article has at least made you consider the impotence of beanies. An IGN discussion board on beanies serves as the perfect ending, as Worm72_99 states “I don’t care what season it because I hate those hats and always will…” Well said Worm72_99, well said.
Cranjus is a senior Business and Finance double major.
