Parking Enforcement’s Worst Enemy is a super senior majoring in Not Caring, minoring in Creative Sports (Laser Tag concentration), and actively parking in places that should not be parked in.
It has come to my attention, after circling campus approximately 47 times and entering a mild breakdown, that parking at Drew University is not a convenience. It is a myth. A legend. A concept discussed in hushed tones, like Bigfoot or a stress-free finals week.
Now, I understand that Drew prides itself on being “The University in the Forest.” That’s beautiful. Truly. I love trees. I’m a big fan of oxygen. I’m a big fan of nature. But at some point, we as a campus community need to ask ourselves a difficult question: if we have this many trees, why do we have such few parking spots?
Which is why I am proposing a bold, innovative and frankly inevitable solution: I will be parking in a tree.
Think about it. We are surrounded by towering natural structures that are, quite frankly, underutilized. These trees are just standing there, doing nothing but photosynthesis, while I am fighting for my life in a parking lot that filled up 20 minutes ago. It’s inefficient. It’s unjust. It’s time we adapt.
Some may ask logistical questions. “How will you get your car up there?” “Is that safe?” “Is that legal?” To those people I say: you are asking the wrong questions. The real question is why I have to arrive on campus before sunrise just to secure a spot that is technically still a 12-minute hike from my class.
Parking in a tree solves everything. No more circling. No more aggressive eye contact with someone who might be leaving a spot. No more false hope when you see brake lights. I simply ascend, park my car gracefully among the branches, and descend to class like an academic Tarzan.
And before anyone suggests alternatives, yes, I am aware of the concept of “walking,” “carpooling,” and “planning ahead.” I reject these ideas. If the university can embrace the forest aesthetic, then I can embrace forest parking.
In conclusion, Drew cannot have it both ways. You cannot give me a campus that looks like a national park and then expect me to park like it’s a suburban mall. Until more spots are created, I will be taking my talents to the trees.
If you see a Honda Civic perched majestically above campus, mind your business. I got there first.
Parking Enforcement’s Worst Enemy is a junior majoring in parking tickets