When the Drew administration found out that there was a student-formed football team on campus, they eagerly signed them up for an exhibition match against FDU-Florham, apparently attempting to kickstart a football program to bring in more revenue.
It was much to their chagrin, then, that the Drew University Football Team is in fact not a football team at all, but instead an ironic name for the university’s improv troupe. Abiding by the legally binding principle of improv, “yes, and,” the Football Team nonetheless suited up against the Florham Devils for one of the more compelling games played in Madison intercollegiate football history.
At the start of the first quarter, the Football Team was visibly confused. They appeared to figure out the situation when, according to wide receiver Evelyn House (‘27), “we asked for an object prompt and they just handed us a literal football.”
The confusion then shifted into just ineptitude, with the Football Team struggling in all aspects of the game. In the first half, quarterback Finn Jackson (‘26) went 0-17 in pass attempts, and passed for a total of negative 183 yards.
The lone bright spot in the first half is when defensive end Matt Cutler (‘27) actually managed to break through FDU’s offensive line and sack their quarterback. When asked how he was able to do it, Cutler responded: “That’s just my everyday Tuesday.”
With a halftime score of 56-0 (in favor of the Devils), there was immense pressure on Football leadership in the locker room at the half. House attempted to lead some group games, but “couldn’t because of all of the strain injuries.” The attitude remained positive nonetheless according to Cutler: “Call us a lot of things, we’re not quitters, except for Casey [Cornwell (‘27)], Casey wanted to quit.” Limping onto the field for the second half, the outlook seemed grim for Drew’s Football Team.
There seemed to be a strategy shift entering the third quarter. Running back Grady Cummings (‘27) was used as a decoy, proverbially thrown to the wolves, while Christina Forte (‘28), whom House described as “a beast,” caught a screen pass and ran for up to three yards.
The strategy only became more befuddling from there on. At one point in the fourth quarter, quarterback Jackson appeared to attempt to eat the football. This, of course, did not work. When asked as to why they would try to consume the football instead of throw it, Jackson declined to comment. One could infer that there will be discussions among the coaching staff as to finding a new, less hungry quarterback.
The Football Team’s best opportunity to score came with four minutes left in the fourth quarter, when House had the only reception of the game, and was faced with only one of Florham’s cornerbacks at their own 42 yard line. While they did manage to get into the endzone without being tackled, the touchdown was ruled invalid due to the flagrant foul House committed, trying to strangle their opponent with their shoelaces. When asked about their thought process during that play, House defended their actions, saying “as I’m aware, there’s no rule against me using my shoelaces to strangle the opposition.”
With a final score of 126-0, it was a tough first showing for the Drew University Football Team. As they limped off the field, there were only two who had to be carried off on stretchers, which was considered a relative success. It remains to be seen as to whether there will be more games in the future, and opinions on the team seem mixed, from Cutler feeling that “it was great,” to House claiming “It was almost as humiliating as actually doing improv.”